Around August 17th, I'm going to birth a human.
"Congratulations!" you say.
"Awe! What a precious gift!"
"Don't you just love pregnancy and the miracle of life?!"
No. No I don't. Being pregnant blows. Yes it was planned-but if I could have gotten my husband pregnant or grown my child in a petri dish, that's what I would have done.
Being the progressive Jew that I am, I will now present to you, the Ten Plagues of Pregnancy:
Plague 1: Hurting boobs
Imagine if your boobs were made of pure muscle and a professional boxer punched you as hard as they could in the chest. That's what it feels like when you first become pregnant. It's uncomfortable to sleep and you're walking around with tender, bruised, boobs.
Plague 2: Flaming nipples
This one doesn't need much explanation. Ok imagine every sensory nerve on your nipples is turned up way past the maximum and a slight breeze feels like an electric shock.
Plague 3: Everything you ever loved to eat or drink now makes you want to hurl
Ah, remember that lovely cup of coffee in the morning? A bowl of ice cream? A big plate of delicious brunch with crispy bacon and french toast? Now that you're pregnant, your body will be repulsed by anything you consume or think about consuming.
Plague 4: You sleep like an old cat
If you're an active, social person, get ready to say sayonara to the waking world where you can function at work past 2pm and have a cohesive conversation with your partner at home. Growing a human is exhausting and all you can to to fight fatigue, is sleep. My partner said he missed me for two months. I was such a zombie he didn't get any attention.
Plague 5: You're freezing one moment and sweating the next
You drink a hot cup of tea and you start feeling so hot and uncomfortable you might pass out. Then you take off your sweater and start shaking because you're so cold. Your boobs start hurting you're so cold. You put on your sweater back on again and overheat again.
Plague 6: Gas
In addition to being nauseous, in pain, sleepy, and fluctuating in temperature, you're also unpleasant to be around because being pregnant makes you fart a lot. How lovely.
Plague 7: Dizziness
You get up to go to the bathroom at night and you almost fall on your face because you're so dizzy you temporarily lose your site. You fall over in yoga. You almost fall over at work. When you grow a baby, your blood vessels expand to allow for more blood flow to the fetus. Unfortunately, your circulation suffers as a result.
Plague 8: Heartburn
Progesterone is a hormone produced during pregnancy. It also relaxes the valve that separates the esophagus from the stomach and gastric acids seep back up and cause an unpleasant burning sensation! Yay!
Plague 9: Emotional insanity
You feel really sad. You feel depressed. You feel anxious. You feel pretty good. Why? THERE IS NO REASON. Except that you're growing a human and it's making you crazy.
Plague 10: More gas
This one was written by Peter. I haven't noticed it but apparently he has.
I will love this baby with all my heart and I've set up a stable family and life as much as I can. I won't, however, pretend to love being pregnant and I expect giving birth to be the most painful, gross thing I'll experience in my entire life. Cheers, baby. See you in August.